High Risk Faith

Expecting a baby causes a stream of emotions; especially when you already have a 7 month old.  The moment I thought that I was pregnant; I panicked. Having another baby would put a strain on my marriage, finances, Masters continuation, and my career.

In panic, I made an irrational choice; what I thought was best, I decided to terminate my pregnancy.  My husband didn’t say much, but felt that it was my body and that another baby would probably be too much. I was losing the person I was for 8 years and I didn’t know if I could recover; if we could recover.

In February, at about 7 weeks and five days… I decided to have a medical abortion.  I felt guilt, shame…a part of me wished that the procedure would fail but part of me wanted to selfishly be free.  My husband was not emotionally supportive during our first pregnancy; I felt he was unattracted to me, and the strain of our jobs, and me not having leave-with-pay caused tension.  A lack of communication and appreciation made me feel as if I was losing my wits….

After the medical abortion I was suppose to go back for a check up but I could never make it due to the distance of the center, work, and the girls having the flu simultaneously.

…..In April I found out I was pregnant…but not with a new baby…. the same baby.

My heart dropped and as I saw the ultrasound…. I couldn’t believe that this baby, was strong….that this baby had continued to grow and was kicking and active. I smiled as the tech mumbled in disbelief. Everyone in the doctor’s office began to whisper and soon a woman of the clinic came in and sat me down, she strongly urged me to terminate the baby. “There is a 50% chance of major birth defects”….. teardrops formed in my eyes.  How could I have been so selfish!  This baby was apart of me and I couldn’t see past my fears… I doubted my marriage… I had doubted my faith.

“God has not given us the spirit of fear but of a sound mind, power, and love”

I walked out of that abortion clinic that day…. distraught. I blamed myself.  How could I have gone through with something like this.  I called my husband… he as usual was silent as I cried telling him the news.  I had no idea of what to do!  I knew that this was not by chance… I couldn’t live with myself trying to terminate a baby that was obviously meant to be.

I was in one of the darkest places I had been in a long time.  I had to make a choice that day in my car, either I would live in fear and regret or live by faith and hope.

At almost 20 weeks in April, I immediately sought medical care, my regular OB refused to service me.  I found a new OB/GYN, explained the situation and  they scheduled an appointment.  The doctor immediately found a high risk doctor for me. I began my appointments and continued my research on the effects that medical abortions have on fetuses…I saw deformities in the genitalia, lip, limbs…I also saw a report of birthing a normal baby.

Why was there no research? There wasn’t much research at all of cases in America…I had no idea of what was to come. I knew that I felt that I had to keep walking in my truth, no matter how hard it would be.  Could I live with knowing that I caused harm to my child?  Could I be ok with looking at a child as she struggled in life with certain defects…would I be able to explain to her why I didn’t want her in the beginning?
July: 33 weeks into the pregnancy, a small abdominal and a genital cyst was found…. I was crushed. I had been doing well with the pregnancy but nothing can prepare you for bad news.  I began to beat myself up…

Today I had a moment. I came home, took a hot bath and I hadn’t felt as heavy and loathsome as that in years. I was tired, in aching pain, pregnant, congested, uncomfortable, overwhelmed… I couldn’t bridge my emotions. A barrage of tears streamed from my eyes…I sobbed like a child. I’m able to put all the pieces together and hold tight: I know where everything is, “did everybody eat today?”, doctor appointments scheduled, kids clean, bathrooms cleaned, clothes folded, dishes washed, floors swept; today I didn’t want to be that person… I’m ok but I’m not ok… is that ok? 

At the pinnacle of the pregnancy I was emotionally…physically… void….

The doctors had found placental lakes, genitalia abnormalities, and my stomach growth was not increasing.

I continued for months trusting that the genitalia abnormality would disappear.  After all, my stomach began to show growth, my pregnancy was going well, I didn’t get much movement from her during NST but she moved enough for me to know she was still there.  She was swallowing. She was practicing breathing.

I was content.

39 weeks and my stomach growth began to drop.  My specialist decided it was time to have the baby soon, he explained that the baby was not getting enough nutrients from the placenta. The next day I had a doctors appointment at NST, nothing seemed out of the ordinary as I sat trying to scoff down ice for fetal movement. Abruptly, the doctor came up to me and said “her heartbeats and movements are irregular, you ready to have this baby!?”

It was time.

“The Lord is God”

September 8: At 5 lbs 11 oz, Corrine made her entrance into this world.  I cried as the doctor laid her on my chest.  She was perfect…

Corrine Aalijah was her name. Forever an emblem of a testament of my life.  She serves as a mark of courage, of hope, of faith that passes all understanding. I couldn’t base my life on my fears or shrink due to unforeseen situations, I had to stand; unwavering in my faith but limbering enough to roll with each tide.

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