As I walk further into my journey, I realize that I am learning who I really am EVERY DAY. There is no pennical to the knowledge you attain and the many evolutions you will endure to be incarnated. As a woman, I feel as if I will be born again many times; learning how to fill my own cup…and what exactly I will fill it with.
I watched a video by Will Smith and he stated that his wife, Jada and he, realized that they were two individuals on separate individual journeys learning and choosing to share a life together. He stated that it was not his job to make Jada happy, she had to do that for herself. Jada couldn’t make him happy, he had to do that for himself.
The false pretense of romance and the “we are one” sentiment can often distort a marriage. I realized this fact one night on a dinner date with my husband. Not many people have the fortune of being born into a perfect family. As he made points about his up-bringing, and made the claim that “all women were the same”, I immediately became offensive. True enough, we both come from two totally different upbringings; I had the knowledge of both my parents and even though they were never together, my mother or grandmothers were always present while my father went off to college. My husband on the other hand, seemed much more traumatized by his estranged father and drug abused mother. I saw that parts of his up-bringing in foster-homes were internalized and love was totally different for him.
As a woman, I’m naturally seeking how to learn to love and be more nurturing, that’s in my nature. Although I had both my parents, I was never showed a healthy relationship, what role a man should play in my life, or what “love” is. I learned that night that my husband didn’t know what love was, how to go about seeking to be loving, and what love actually looked like. All my husband knew was loyalty and support and for him, that transpired into love and care. Marriage was in some way, an obligation that he owed to his children and at that moment I realized I didn’t want to be an obligation to him because I was the mother of his children. I wanted to be in a marriage because we were irreplaceable to each other. I was furious until I realized that I could not depend on him to make me happy because some days, he just won’t. He won’t give me butterflies everyday and he won’t always say the right things.
I think that women often get romantic concepts from movies and want our love to be this magical love story. Great sex, trips, date night, romance, and well-behaved children is not the full picture of an actual marriage. In order for “Us” to work, I had to be able to focus on my goals and make time for me to be an individual and so did he. As long as trust was not a question, we owed it to ourselves to figure out what makes us happy and be able to pursue it with the support of one another. We each deal with emotional wounds but learning to get beyond those and to the honest truth of our marriage will be hard work.
Our marriage is a living breathing organism. It is vital to feed it and nurture it because “love” is a lot of work. If I went by my husband’s “talk”, we would never make it. Instead, I use his actions to tell where his heart and mind is because he is not a natural born nurturer. The next day after our date night, I decided to learn how to connect with him and be patient (and ladies it may take a lot of patience LOL). If your husband is willing and trying to be the man that you need him to be, understand that you may have to teach him a few things and be willing to learn some things (even things you may not want to hear).
DON’T JUST SURVIVE IN YOUR MARRIAGE, PROSPER IN YOUR MARRIAGE.
I love reading a males perspective on marriage and finding activities to try with my partner. I included a link below to a great article (it is a series) that you ladies/men may find helpful!