…But at what cost?

“You’re going back to work after having a baby. Do you feel guilty, elated, uncertain? The polar opposite of how you thought you would feel? Take a deep breath and remember that more than half of all new moms go back to work when their babies are younger than 1 year old—many with conflicted emotions.”

I have been tossing and turning with guilt and anxiety every night…being 8 months pregnant doesn’t help, but I am literally on edge about having a newborn and a one year old.  Recently, my husband and I decided that it would be best to find a nanny that could take care of the girls while we commute 30 minutes to work twice each day.  If any of you mothers are like me, you hate change…not to mention the inner intentions of outsiders with your children.  My job is to protect my children at all cost, at all times, no matter the circumstance but the option to stay at home with them is not a financial cut we can afford to make with a new home and car.  Honestly, I have never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom,  I have always worked and wanted to feel/be independent.

These new feelings and life changes cause me to worry that I may be putting my needs before my children by selfishly choosing to be the woman who desires to “have it all”.

Usually, I am anxious to go back to work but since the birth of my 11 month old, I have learned just how much of a difference my summer vacation makes.  I got to enjoy teaching her words and learning more about her character.  I did realize the amount of time my career took away from my children.  I don’t remember having these feelings of guilt and apprehension with my 7 year old, I got to enjoy watching her grow and learn because I worked at the same daycare she attended.

As I carry my third child in an expanding tummy; waking my girls up at 4:30am to get dressed and commute to work is a disheartening feeling.  

Tired and thoughtful; I have to remind myself that, “A better me, makes a better us”.



Published by

Ashley V.

One day I woke up, married...two daughters...and third on the way, and I decided to write! I am a Florida A&M University graduate; currently seeking my Master's degree in Reading and Literacy. I am a high school Reading teacher. I am underpaid, over-loved, overwhelmed, overjoyed, and often in-over-my-head!

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